Vanalidades

Lo superficial es todo aquello que mostramos día a día es la mascara que cubre los sentimientos que celosamente guardamos porque no se quieren compartir con el mundo. Cada persona tiene sus demonios que librar sin embargo la mayoría salimos a la calle y los guardamos dentro de nuestra cabeza. Las voces callan con lo mundano, con la canción del radio, con las conversaciones ajenas, con el problema de un colega. Pero es en la noche, al finalizar el día cuando tu cama te espera que se acuestan uno a uno a tu lado y toman turnos para recordarte lo que te esta pasando. La televisión no entretiene lo suficiente, el libro te recuerda tu presente, aquello de lo que deseas escapar se postra frente a ti con un espejo, obligandote a mirar tus ojos y ver las lágrimas rodar. Al siguiente día besas a tus demonios y les deseas un buen día, ya les diste tu noche ya les distes tus sueños, y a despertaste a la realidad. No hay tatuaje que cubra la herida, solo lo disimula, no hay distracción tan enorme que no te lleve a pensar en ese pedazo de tu vida que escondes doblado en un papel con esa lágrima que no logra salir. Tu voz, tu voz no dice nada, son tus ojos los que al final del día te delatan.

In time

When I read long before that the only constant thing was change never in my life I could have imagine that Us would change. But that´s life people change, friendships change, feelings change, our paths changed and you only have two options: Either you stay on the path you are convinced that you have to follow and fight against all odds and opinions telling you to give up and let go. Or you listen to others and shut your feelings and forget the thing that matter the most to you. I wish I could pin point the exact moment when You and I became ordinary and lost our magic, but to much has happened, to many have plot and pondered on this, that I´ve lost track of the thing you made me feel. I remember the time when you made me blush, when you made me giggle and no other person in the world would have o stand a chance of stealing a kiss from my lips. And know others knock my door, flowers come in to my room and go, another pair of ears listen to my nonsense, other hands touch my face, strange lips kiss my forehead. Things change, I´ve changed, You changed and the worst part is that I´m afraid to ask if you love me, because I feel that also inside of you has changed.... In time I will know if you were here to stay or to go.

Así es

Magnifico, Seductor, Creativo, Convincente, Espontaneo, Real, Agresivo, Romántico, Inspirador; así es el Poder de la Teta

Point of no return

We passed point A in a blink of an eye, We got to point B and stayed there Point C was a challenge, a guessing game of love. But now we have passed all that crap once, twice and three times and I´ve decided your not worth: my time, my love, my friendship, my kindness, my kisses, my body, my touch, my placer, my life. I will not lie to you as you did, I will not cheat on you I´m better then that, I will not tell the truth about you even though you deserve it, I will not hurt you in any way, that´s bad karma. I will simply walk away from you .... And give all the things that I´m not giving to you anymore, to someone who will have at least some respect for my intelligence and that will not bullshit me. I´m done, you lost me. Goodbye!!!!

LIES

I hate it when you lie to my face and expect me to believe you I hate it when you make promises to me you can not keep I hate when you brake my heart and I´m left alone to mend it. I hate it when you say I´m here but I can´t find you I hate it when you hold my hand and disappear in the shadows I hate when I can not trust you because you have lied. I hate it that you hurt me because I love so much I hate it then when I see you I feel the need to kiss you I hate that I can not say goodbye and walk away. FOR EVER:

Never say never

I want to tell you a story about a wicked girl who found pieces of joy in all the wrong places and times; legend tells that she once was a lovely princess with charming personality and kindness in her heart but a monster a half bread between human and beast took her soul and purity one day. As her soul piece by piece disappeared it was replace with animal instinct, she no longer reason or tough her actions she only existed, breathing, eating, and copulating by instinct and pleasure only ; the beast was gone one day the same way it came, but his animal nature would forever haunt her inside out. She loved him, she gave him her body and heart and that creature took advantage of her innocence, but one thing he did right, he taught her well, he showed her how cruel and despiteful man can be, he made her stronger, he made her a soldier that learned to exist and stop caring, feeling and living. Each day her story wrote itself one page at a time, the chapters in the book made no sense, for the companies and places never stayed the same amount of time, she constantly moved, ran and left before she could build a memory or a bond, she used people the same way she was used. She acted only on satisfying her lust with man and woman, finding pieces of the creature she once loved his eyes, his voice, his laughter, his thirst for life, that she had dominated from him, that unsatisfied hunger for knowledge, she always wanted more about everything, nothing pleased her, and deep down she knew that she had become along the years that dreadful creature she once loved and then hated. Years had passed before she came across a perfect creature who seem injured the same way she was, he had been too in love with a creature he tough was perfect only to be left and broken hearted; when she met him she tough it was a harmless little toy another story to be left written in a short chapter, because as usual she only existed and didn´t pay attention to the look in his eyes. As time passed she started to remember how to feel, how to see, how to think, leaving her wicked games behind, before she realized for him she took her clothes off, she put walls down, she listened, she observed, she was careful, she cared, and each day a little more of her bestiality disappeared; she had changed willingly, she slowly forgot her heart was damaged and it started to heal. But one bad night after a bad day she broke, the rational part went away and her animal ways took over betraying and hurting that precious human she loved, because above all she did love him, and continently only wanted to make him happy the same way he made her happy; she forgot about the feelings, she only acted out of her beastly part and didn´t think about the consequences or the damage she had done. When she gained conscience she realized two things: one, she had hurt the one person she loved and trusted in a way she never tough possible, and two he also loved her, but his trust on her was hurt and damaged, she knew a simple sorry would not fix her wrong doing, so she had only one thing to do, she would spent her days fixing that crack she made. She kept a totem at her night stand to remind her of the misjudgment and poor wisdom she had used the night before and as the debt and promise she would keep and fix the same way she felt in love with him, slowly and one moment at a time. Her heart is now in the right place I only hope that her mind will line with it ….

Point B

Like every song ever written everything in life has a beginning, especially every story has one too, this is our story from point A to C, as far as the story goes, you´ll see that point B was a little tricky but it was a crucial point to get to where we are now. A couple of days ago a person asked me why I wrote these memoirs of She and Him and the answer is very simple, once in a lifetime you have your own great story to tell; Some stories are meant to be told over and over and to never be forgotten. That is why I write this, so I don´t forget the memories, the laughs and if one day it should end, good or bad, I want to remember that once upon my lifetime I had a crazy story that make me laugh out loud each time I remembered it. They say everything in life happens for a reason that there are no casualties or coincides, but I was never a firm believer of this statement until I met him. Life had brought me to a point where I was in house that I didn´t belong and couldn´t afford, but yet there I was against all odds living in Palm Springs having a life style I often criticized and referred as shallow and empty. It may seem at this point that I´m talking and talking about myself but really I´m just creating the scenario so you can understand point A, so there I was it was Palm Spring the year 2011 on a June night having a couple of beers with my friends when I heard a voice deep and masculine, the kind that makes you blush If you heard it in your ear. He got there said good evening like any normal person would and then that same night after a few laughs and a very interesting chat we got to point B and spend a whole lot of time in that point. The riddle, question and conundrum here is what exactly point B is, well let me tear it down for you in two simple words affair, adventure, no strings attached, no sentimentalism, no sharing our lives, and a handful of rules we started to brake. I think we broke the rules faster than we could come up with new ones; that was our biggest non problem, we loved to break the rules and not go by on what society expects us to do or live for; we are rebels, we are fighters, we are free spirits, we are warriors each one with a past, a very big present and an uncertain future. I think we haven´t really moved completely from point B because there is a sense of comfort in the adventure of living in point B, you know the knowing you can flirt, smile, giggle and look around at the buffet, even thou you had just had a very fulfilling lunch or breakfast or dinner if you know what I mean. It was a mutual agreement that we could do whit our behinds whatever we pleased using the proper care and protection obviously and on my behalf I can tell you I tried already the 31 flavors of Basking Robins and had not found let alone THE FLAVOR, not even my flavor of the month, week or night, somehow I didn´t want to admit, that I was pleased with the dessert that came to my home. One night stands, lovers and couples came prancing around and as quickly they came into my life, the went out, because they were missing that something twisted and yet so right for me that only HE could provide to the bedroom. As the lovers and so on passed also time ran its course day, week and month wise until one day, I found myself doing nothing but my laundry and He found himself leaving town (let just say that it was for delivery purposes) and in that very moment he popped the question…. Would you go with me? – Had you going there for a second- and obviously my answer was YES. So I got as quickly as possible there and when I got there, well let´s just say he look hot as hell according to my personal standards, he was just hearing music sitting in a bench in Grand Central when I got there, we went on a little road trip that took a left turn in to point C, and again I said YES, whit a freaking smile on. Now the underlined and small print in the contract of our partnership had changed; a new agreement was thrown to the table based on a deeply disturbing q and a session (well it wasn´t that disturbing, but you need a little drama in this kind of things). As we walked away from Central Park, He started to question me on personal and very intimate issues of my sentimental situation in that very moment, and then he finally got to the real issue: She and Him in Point C. The plot thickens, for many of you will think point C is happily ever after, but if you had read one or more of my stories, you can surely agree I don´t believe in that Hollywood shit, so Point C is not even close to happily ever after, but more likely it´s happy now, crazy now, stupid now and perfectly pervert now. That night as some nights before (only on special occasions and non-holydays) She gave in and let herself go, putting down the many bricks and walls She had built around her; She let Him swept me of her feet and in to bed and She let Him take her breath away with his lips pressing against hers. For one night after many, many years all the scars and the pain was forgotten and all that mattered was that moment; She did not think about tomorrow, She did not think about the ghost of the past or the haunting sorrows that were present in their lives. She just felt. That was the signature in the new contract in Point C, where the fb status were no longer a mockery but actually their current situation, they talked it out from many angles and they decided to put a feet on the dark side of the force to see what all the fuss was about. Many days have passed; another month has run its course and the crazy pervert strangers that once shared a moment watching the same …. Pass by now share another level of complicity and excitement. Sometimes she is very doubtful about the estrange events that surround them like in every day events, she even questions the fact that life has put in front of her everything she wished and hoped for, Could life give you a second chance? Will she screw up? Will he fuck it up? Like I told you Point C is where She and Him now stand, but point B is and always will be their OKLAHOMA ….

Las eventualidades al igual que las casualidades nos toman en el momento menos esperado, pero el más preciso. Cuando abrí la puerta de mi casa aquella noche jamás imagine lo que estaba tocando a mi puerta; aunque la envoltura jamás me ha molestado, al contrario, incita esas bajas pasiones que solo las novelas de vaqueros de los camioneros pueden incitar; lo que iba dentro del paquete es aún lo mejor… Hace muchos años le entregué mi cuerpo, alma y corazón a un hombre y cuando nos dijimos adiós y cada vez que la vida nos pone en el camino y nos volvemos a decir adiós juro y me recuerdo que jamás volvería a sentir ese amor por otro ser humano; desde entonces camino por la vida, teniendo aventuras pero solo por diversión, por no estar sola, por mientras, por ocho… Pero volvemos al paquete, a ese ser que aunque me moleste y cueste admitirlo más de una vez me ha robado el aliento, el sueño y la razón; aun sabiendo que las clausulas del contrato indicaban en letras grandes y remarcadas esto solo es un pasatiempo, un aventura y que dure lo que los dos lo gocemos. Pero el ingrato juego demoniaco me envolvió en un pestañeo haciéndome caer en mis propias redes, tirando de los propios hilos que con tanta dedicación tejí para usarte como mi marioneta personal. Al abrir la envoltura radiante, lujosa y con empaque cerrado herméticamente encontré el objeto aerodinámico más original y mejor aun que la envoltura, encontré a un amigo, a un apoyo, a un cómplice y un amante en un solo combo; es como cuando llegas al Carl´s y quieres una ensalada y quieres una malteada y una hamburguesa y empiezas a pedir el combo de la bacon swiss y dices una ensalada chica y te dice la morra de la ventanilla, desea que le cambie las papas por la ensalada y dices SIIIII emocionado y pides un malteada de oreo y te dice desea que le cambie la soda por la malteada y dices tu A HUEVO!!! Un combo hecho a tu antojo y medida de apetito, eso fue lo que yo encontré. No sé decir en que preciso momento te vi como algo más, pero puedo descifrar casi cada momento en el que descubrí una capa más del tan nombrado combo: Amigo: Creo que exactamente fue cuando te enseñe mi colección de Kevin Smith o en una de las tantas tardes que nos dimos con todo jugando NI ENTIENDO. Apoyo: Jamás olvidaré ese día donde mi hambre se convirtió en ardor de estomago y mi dolor de cabeza en migraña y tu me llevaste de comer tres tacos y un Arizona de limón. Cómplice: cuando ante los ojos de todos solo somos conocidos pero tú y yo entendemos el lenguaje, el idioma, porque tú sabes que es Noochie Boochie, porque soy tu Lunchbox. Amante: No creo que necesite entrar en detalles, pero digamos que si en algún momento lo dude, ese masajito de cuerpo completo me hizo decir SIIIII. Algo más: se resume en una pequeña palabra DARLING. Ahora llegamos a la parte chistosa, la parte donde lo acepto, admito y analizo, tal cual hago con el resto de mi vida cuando no tengo otra alternativa y me veo en un callejón sin salida con el gran toro de la verdad y le digo adiós al pasado. Donde mi mecanismo de defensa, mi boicot personal llamado O I C O ya no es necesario, pensándolo bien ni valido, ni sustancial para mi existencia. ¿Será que ha llegado el momento de decirte ADIOS? Hoy me di cuenta que yo sola te hablo, te busco y te llamo y cuando me encuentro ante una encrucijada donde tres de los personajes esperándome al final del camino son pigmentos o fragmentos de mi imaginación para recordarme a mi misma que no debo de sentir. Pero interiorizando un poco mas ¿Qué es lo peor que puede pasar? Enamorarte, MUFASA uhhhhh, diría que en un 45% ya siento, pero me bloqueo para no dejar que fluya lo demás. Aunque al mismo tiempo como chingados le hago para quitarme esa ansiedad cada que me dicen las palabras: RELACION, COMPROMISO, o en su gran defecto AMOR; no es algo fácil de lidiar, a pesar que el mundo cree lo contrario. Tengo “isues” con la confianza, y con la monogamia, con la santa institución del ya te chingaste que diga el matrimonio y los callejones sin salida y tengo un esqueleto en mi closet que es muuuy difícil de ocultar, dada la simple razón que mi closet no tiene puertas… Y así puedo mencionar un sinfín de cosas, barreras o como se le quieran llamar que me impiden o me limitan a dejar fluir todo eso que siento cada que me hace reír. Pocos consejos de mi madre he tomado, pero por alguna extraña razón este si quedó incrustado en alguna parte de mi cerebro, alguna vez ella me dijo al verme llorar por un amor frustrado: -Hija: No te fijes en el físico de un hombre, eso se acaba, el dinero también, la pasión igual, al final de sus días juntos lo único que mantiene una relación es la platica y las risas; busca un hombre con quien siempre tengas una conversación interesante y que te haga reír, que siempre sepa como hacerlo-. Y es verdad cuando ves a la persona dos o tres veces al día o diario y aun tienen cosas que platicar, y cuando estas en el momento donde te sientes más mal que un pingüino en el desierto y logra hacerte reír, cariño cuando encuentras eso, te has sacado la lotería. Y bien ahora tengo volteadas todas las partes del rompecabezas, las tengo clasificadas por color y si son orillas o centros; lo que sigue es empezar a armarlo para no seguir atorada en este rompecabezas en medio de todas las piezas… Primero armaré la orilla, cuidando dejar siempre una salida para no pisar el rompecabezas cuando este a medio armar, lo más irónico de todo este escrito, es que quizás nunca lo leas, pero sé que eres el único ser que lo entenderá…. I´m just still stuck on your puzzle.........

HIM

I could tell you a thousand lies about this story
I could sell you a happy ending;
but the way it happened, the blood on the floor,
the bite marks and the bruises tell the truth.

He grabbed me by the neck and started laughing
his voice was deeper and his eyes were pitch black
he talked in my ear and started looking me and laughing
always laughing and telling me how HE didn´t let HIM out to play.

"HE" never told me you were this cute, "HE" never let me taste you before,
but "HE" is not here anymore, and "HE" can´t help you know, -he kept saying-
I gasped and hold my necktie with both hands so I could breath
tears came down my eyes and he looked at me and laughed.

He turned me over so I would see his eyes anymore and he licked me
then he stopped and said: So you have wings, laughed again, and said
don´t worry I´ll tear them one my one, feather by feather
then he push me to the grown and started biting my wings off.

I cried and begged for mercy but that just made it more interesting for HIM
he laughed even harder and told me my blood tasted so sweet,
my tears gave HIM satisfaction, my begs made HIM stronger and he told me to
be quiet, then he pulled my over by the neck and hair, grabbed my face and said:
"HE" never told me what a pretty face you have and started slapping me around.

I could feel my blood rolling down my spine and hear the drops touch the grown
and the way he sniffed and growled every time I moaned in pain;
at one point my body couldn´t take the hitting anymore and I drifted away
my eyes were open and I could hear the slapping sound of leather on my skin.

He was enjoying tasting me, hurting me and he made sure that I knew it,
I tried moving away and escaping but he hurt me even more,
his eyes were glowing with satisfaction with each drop of my blood
and his thirst was unquenchable; he punished me and made me his puppet.

Playing with my body like if it was his own to claim
using me for his amusement and diversion
when I finally was weak and powerless
he howled like the monster and beast he had become,
showing me he´s real self, making me watch HIM.

He had won, no more gasp, no more fight only tears and blood came out,
He sniffed me one last time, he grabbed me by the neck and whispered
"HE" has never had the pleasure of having you like I did ....